You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
