Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
