I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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