i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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