He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
