He had one of those small greek statue penises
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
