quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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