he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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