i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
