I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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