I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
