She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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