She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Randomize
