his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
