GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
