went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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