thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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