and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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