I cannot find my penis.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
