shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
