I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
