If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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