Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
