is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
