3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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