i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
