You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
