My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
