I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we should paint friendship bongs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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