dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
