I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I will die if light touches me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
