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Fuck
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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