My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
