I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize