I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
