Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
