I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
