I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
