Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
