He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
