There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
