So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
