I met the friendliest cop last night
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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