My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize