**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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