I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
