my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
