My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize