i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize