I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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