you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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