if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
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