Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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