Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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